Altering Bonds
by noob7
Summary: Old Hubba found out he has a hidden talent: he can manipulate relationships just as well as manipulating time. The result? One big orgy of crack. Warning: contains hints of incest, yuri, mild spoilers, and a not-so-mild case of cougarism.


**A/N: Been a while since I posted something up here...and it's a crackfic. I have a perfectly good reason for it though at the end of this story. Consider this like a side-chapter to Altering History, but not that much. Enjoy!**

* * *

"This has got to be the work of some sick deity." Leif muttered to himself as he caught sight of Ayra pushing a flustered-looking Seliph against a tree. No doubt his cousin was debating whether to feel ecstatic about the situation he was in, or to be completely weirded out by the whole thing. "Our generations were segregated for a reason."

Strange occurrences have been happening lately throughout the camp. It was as if the love goddess had consumed too much wine and started drunkenly casting love spells on random people. Raquesis finally got her wish of being with Eldigan, Sigurd and Deirdre still maintained their feelings for each other, but when Leif came across Arvis trying to seduce a disgruntled-looking Olwen, he wanted to run his blade right through his eyes. It wasn't the worst he had seen though. One day he accidentally stumbled upon Ced and Larcei passionately making out with each other. The next night after, he was sure he spotted Ares coming back to camp with one of Elibe's Pegasus knights…Florina? Or was it Shanna? Hell, he'd even seen Julia sneaking out in the dead of night to meet up with Marth. Marth! Of all people, it had to be the Archanean king she wanted to be with. As if Jugdral didn't have enough to offer. At least her case wasn't nearly as bad as her twin brother's. Julius was a hopeless cause in himself. First he tried to get with the love of his life Ishtar again, but she refused, saying their relationship was basically touch-and-go, and she was having better luck with Lyon now. His second attempt ended a bit more disastrously when he tried to woo Minerva of Macedon. Minerva had freaked out and nearly chopped him in half with her axe, but she later apologized as she believed that Julius was somebody else. In the end though, she still turned him down, saying that he reminded her too much of that said person. Julius then attempted to hook up with the army's tactician's daughter, and it went well for a little while…until the tactician found out and threatened to summon Julius back to his card and "burn the damn thing in the fiery pits of hell!" if he caught him with his daughter again. Julius stopped going after anyone else after that.

Leif winced when he heard Seliph yelp, which prompted Ayra to clamp her hand over his mouth to muffle anymore outbursts. Rather than help his cousin, he decided to get away as far from the scene as possible. He was able to get a few meters away when he stopped as he heard armor clanking loudly on the ground. He turned to see his sister stomping angrily across the camp with a confused Finn following behind.

"Altena, I don't understand why you're so mad." He said. "You were completely friendly with me yesterday. Did I offend you somehow?"

"Forget it, Finn!" She barked. "I just…I give up! You friend zone everybody and I really mean EVERYBODY! Besides, I'd rather be with Quan at this point."

"…You do realize Quan is your father, right?"

"Is there something wrong here, Finn?" Quan suddenly came up and placed a soothing hand on Altena's back between her shoulder blades, stroking her in a not-so-fatherly way.

Finn ignored the very much disturbing public display of affection and responded, "Lord Quan, while I respect your decisions and support you fully, don't you think it's…shameful that the fruit of your loins is setting your own loins afire?"

Quan just gave his lance knight a look that indicated he didn't understand where Finn was going with this, failing to see what was wrong with this picture. Instead of running to a nearby bush and heaving out the leftovers of his lunch (as Leif was now doing in this case), Finn simply ended the conversation with a wave of his hand and walked away, leaving the two staring with confusion at his back. Leif, having finished emptying the contents of his stomach, sat weakly against a tree and closed his eyes tight, believing that once he opened them then all this would disappear and everything would be back to normal. When he opened his eyes again, all he saw was Ulster running his hand up Mareeta's leg. It wasn't as awkward as it seemed, but then he remembered something about Ulster and Mareeta being distant relatives...and now it was awkward. Leif groaned loudly to himself and banged his head hard against the tree, attracting the attention of Ethlyn and Nanna.

"Leif honey, is something wrong?" Ethlyn asked with concern. "You look a little under the weather."

"No, Mother." He weakly responded. "Today has just been…very strange for me."

Ethlyn gave her son a concerned look, but nodded and was about to walk away with Nanna when Leif suddenly called out, "Mother, what do you think of Father?"

Ethlyn paused and glanced upwards, trying to decide how to answer. "Quan is a nice man. He and I are on the same wavelength and he's easy to joke with."

_That sounds way too platonic for a married couple._ Leif gulped. "Anything else?"

"Uh…I'm sure there are others, but can we discuss this later? I have somewhere to be…" Ethlyn glanced over longingly at Nanna as she said the last line.

Leif felt all the blood drain from his face and beads of sweat began to form on his forehead as his worst suspicions were confirmed, but he nevertheless hid his uneasiness and allowed his mother to walk away with his so-called lover. He pretended not to see Nanna encircling an arm around Ethlyn's waist as they departed. When they were out of sight, Leif fell to his knees again and grumbled incoherently to himself as a migraine was beginning to come on. The only good thing about this whole ordeal that he could come up with was that at least he wasn't infected by the love virus. He just didn't have the hots for someone completely out of his league and for that he was thankful.

When he was finally able to pull himself together, Leif tried to find some way to escape all the craziness in camp and began to wander around again. As he was doing so, he came across Eyvel sitting near the edge of a pond, staring uninterested at the water. She suddenly took notice of Leif standing in the distance and gave him a warm smile, inviting him to come sit next to her. But Leif was frozen in his spot, completely awestruck by the sheer beauty of her face, the enticing sing-song sound of her voice, the lustful aura around her wondrous body. It was only now that he ever noticed just how beautiful she was and it sent his heart pounding loudly against his chest. The blood quickly raced back to his face…and other locations, so he was glad he was still wearing his groin armor to hide the proof of his desires. While this was going on, Eyvel grew quite worried about the sudden change in Leif's behavior and she was about to call for a healer when Leif suddenly scurried over to her and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Eyvel," He whispered. "There is something I must tell you."

Eyvel tried not to pay attention to how dramatic he was acting and nervously replied in a weak voice, "W-What is it?"

"I…I love you, Eyvel."

Relief coursed over the both of them; Leif because he was able to admit his true feelings, and Eyvel for believing that there was nothing serious about this situation.

"Well I love you too, Leif." She answered. "You're basically a son to me."

The relieved feeling quickly vanished, and Leif was suddenly on the edge of his nerves again. She didn't get the hint. Maybe he needed to be a little more specific.

"No, Eyvel," He said, taking her hands into his. "I love you, not as a mother, but as…"

Leif left his sentence hanging, quickly drawing Eyvel into his arms and capturing her lips with his. Completely caught off guard with this sudden action, Eyvel nearly fell limp in his grasp and turned a heavy shade of red right to the roots of her hair. Her initial reaction was shock and instinct would have told her to pull away and slap Leif in the face to get him to come back to his senses. But then she realized how soft his lips were, the warmth of his body, and how firm his embrace was and before she knew it, she was kissing him back, totally lost in these newfound emotions. Things progressed pretty quickly from there. Leif laid Eyvel down on her back, never breaking the kiss, and stuck his tongue into her mouth while Eyvel moved her hands inside his shirt, feeling him up and down his torso. Since they were out in the open, they became targets of some wanderings eyes and innocent bystanders, but they were oblivious to them. For right now, their sole conenctration was on this moment and the only focus was on each other. Though he hated to admit it, Leif was silently thanking the deity who had set him up for this, even though he had cursed that same deity only moments ago. Fate _did_ work in such mysterious ways...

* * *

"Get a room, you two!" Old Hubba shouted into his orb. The old man, or in this case the "love deity", was currently sitting in the middle of his study with his other Einherjar cards scattered around him. He chuckled to himself as he closed his eyes and drew two more cards.

"Hmm…ooh! Lute and Soren is something I wanted to try for a long time!" He exclaimed with excitement. "The possibilities are endless!"

"Grandfather? Why are you shouting? I'm coming in."

Old Hubba froze where he was when he heard his grandson open the door as he walked through the doorway. Edith looked around the room until he finally found his grandfather sitting on the ground, surrounded by all his talismans.

"Geez, it's so dark. What are you doing here all by yourself?" He inquired.

"Uh…uh…" Old Hubba stuttered, trying to come up with a good enough excuse. "Cleaning! Yes, that's right! I dropped my Einherjar and am now trying to gather them all up before they activate. Wouldn't want an Einherjar World War, ya know? Hehe…"

Edith looked at him incredulously before he detected something shiny next to Old Hubba's knees. When he bent down, he could see an orb and _everything_ that was going on inside of it. It didn't take him long to figure out that Old Hubba was testing relationships out again. That explained why he caught Eyvel and Leif openly snogging each other in the middle of camp. And 1,000 year old Tiki snuggling up against 3,000 year old Tiki. And Basilio trying to get himself and Lucina drunk in the fields…he still couldn't get that image out of his mind.

"You're messing with everyone's relations again, aren't you?" Edith asked frustrated.

"No!" Old Hubba argued. "I'm seeing how they and your fellow soldiers REALLY feel about each other. This isn't my doing."

"Then explain why Julius, who was only recently summoned from his card, suddenly took interest in my daughter."

"I…I can…"

"Caught ya red-handed." Edith sighed as he took the orb from Old Hubba. "Put the Einherjar back in their cards so I can get rid of this orb before anymore strange couples start appearing out of nowhere."

"Come on, Edith. Can't an old man have some fun nowadays?"

"This is what you call 'fun?!' You paired up a father with his daughter! Next thing I know you'll be putting me with someone out of my interest like Chrom or…dare I say it…Validar himself!"

"Now why would I go and do that? Your father hates you enough already."

The tactician merely rolled his eyes. "Just…stop forging all these bizarre bonds. It's bad enough you can alter history, but manipulating relationships is where I draw the line, especially since it can affect us as well as the Einherjar."

Old Hubba laughed and just shook his head. "Just curious to see how things would play out. You know how I am."

"Whatever you say, Grandfather, whatever you say."

* * *

**A/N: My God, what have I done?! Well as you can see, I've been messing around with the Hubba Tester for a bit and the result is...this. It seems Nintendo just "forgot" about the familial/canonical relationships between some Einherjar characters. I really don't understand what they're trying to do here. They want the game to have simple, clean pairings, but then they go and add something like that for the fan's sick enjoyment (that includes me). The words associated with each result doesn't help either. "For Amusement Purposes Only" meaning it doesn't pertain to the storyline. I call bull; they still leave the hints there in the subtext. It's so...ah, screw it. Anyways, thanks for reading and hope you liked this little crackfest! And if you didn't, then I understand completely. Time to go work on my other stories...**


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